Shadow Kiss Chapter 29

Twenty-nineNEARLY A WEEK LATER, I showed up at Adrians door.We hadnt had classes since the attack, only when our normal curfew hours were still in effect, and it was al intimately bedtime. Adrians flavor registered complete and total shock when he saw me. It was the first time Id ever so sought him out, rather than vice versa.Little dhampir, he said, stepping aside. Come in.I did, and was nearly overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol as I passed him. The Academys guest housing was nice, but he clearly hadnt done frequently to keep his rooms clean. I had a feeling hed probably been drinking nons assoil since the attack. The TV was on, and a small table by the couch held a half-empty bottle of vodka. I cleaned it up and read the label. It was in Russian.Bad time? I asked, setting it tail end grim.Never a bad time for you, he told me gallantly. His face timbreed haggard. He was still as good-looking as ever, but in that location were dark circles chthonian his eyes like he hadnt been sleeping well. He waved me toward an armchair and sat d ingest on the couch. Havent call forn much of you.I leaned back. I arrivent wanted to be seen, I admitted.Id ruffianlyly spoken to anyone since the attack. Id spent a lot of time by myself or with Lissa. I took comfort from being around her, but we hadnt said much. She understood that I deprivationed to process things and had scarce been there for me, not pushing me on things I didnt want to guggle close to plain though there were a dozen things she wanted to ask.The Academys out of work had been honored in one assort memorial service, although their families had made arrangements for for each one persons respective funeral. Id kaput(p) to the larger service. The chapel had been packed, with standing room lonesome(prenominal). Father Andrew had read the names of the dead, listing Dimitri and Molly among them. No one was talking almost what had really happened to them. at that place was too much other grief anyway. We were dr receiveing in it. No one even knew how the Academy would pick up the pieces and start running again.You look worse than I do, I told Adrian. I didnt think that was possible.He brought the bottle to his lips and took a prospicient drink. Nah, you al shipway look good. As for me well, its hard to explain. The strains atomic number 18 getting to me. Theres so much sorrow around here. You cant even begin to understand. It radiates from everyone on a spiritual level. Its overwhelming. It makes your dark aura downright cheerful.Is that why youre drinking?Yup. Its shut my aura-vision right off, thankfully, so I cant give you a report today. He offered me the bottle, and I shook my head. He shrugged and took some other drink. So what can I do for you, Rose? I have a feeling you arent here to check on me.He was right, and I exactly felt a little bad near what I was here for. Id done a lot of thinking this last week. Processing my grief for stonemason had been hard. In fact, I hadnt even really quite resolved it when the ghost business had started. Now I had to mourn all over again. After all, much than Dimitri had been lost. Teachers had died, guardians and Moroi alike. None of my close friends had died, but people I knew from classes had. Theyd been students at the Academy as long as I had, and it was weird to think Id never see them again. That was a lot of loss to deal with, a lot of people to severalize goodbye to.But Dimitri. He was a different case. After all, how did you regularize goodbye to someone who wasnt exactly gone? That was the problem.I need bullion, I told Adrian, not bothering with pretense.He arched an eyebrow. Unexpected. From you, at least. I get that kind of betoken a lot from others. Pray tell, what would I be funding?I glanced away from him, focusing on the television. It was a commercial for some kind of deodorant.Im sledding the Academy, I said finally.Also unexpected. Youre only a few months out from graduatio n.I met his eyes. It doesnt matter. I have things to do directly.I never figured youd be one of the dropout guardians. You button to join the blood whores?No, I said. Of course not.Dont act so offended. Thats not an unreasonable assumption. If youre not outlet to be a guardian, what else are you passing play to do?I told you. I have things I have to take care of.He arched an eyebrow. Things that are going to get you into derange?I shrugged. He laughed.Stupid question, huh? Everything you do gets you in trouble. He propped his elbow up on the couchs arm and rested his chin in his hand. whyd you come to me for money?Because you have it.This also made him laugh. And why do you think Ill give it to you?I didnt say anything. I just looked at him, forcing as much womanly charm as I could into my expression. His smile went away, and his green eyes narrowed in frustration. He jerked his gaze away. horseshit it, Rose. Dont do that. non now. Youre playing on how I feel about you. That s not fair. He gulped more vodka.He was right. Id come to him because I conceit I could use his crush to get what I wanted. It was low, but I had no choice. Getting up, I move over and sat beside him. I held his hand.Please, Adrian, I said. Please help me. Youre the only one I can go to.Thats not fair, he repeated, slurring his words a little. Youre using those come-hither eyes on me, but its not me you want. Its never been me. Its always been Belikov, and God only knows what youll do now that hes gone.He was right about that too. Will you help me? I asked, still playing up the charisma. Youre the only one I could talk to the only one who really understands me.Are you coming back? he countered.Eventually.Tipping his head back, he exhaled a heavy breath. His hair, which Id always thought looked stylishly messy, simply looked messy today. Maybe its for the best if you march on. Maybe youll get over him faster if you go away for a while. Wouldnt hurt to be away from Lissas aura eit her. It mightiness slow yours from darkening stop this rage you always seem to be in. You need to be happier. And stop visual perception ghosts.My seduction faltered for a moment. Lissa isnt why Im seeing ghosts. Well, she is, but not in the way you think. I see the ghosts because Im shadow-kissed. Im tied to the world of the dead, and the more I kill, the stronger that connection becomes. Its why I see the dead and why I feel weird when Strigoi are near. I can sense them now. Theyre tied to that world too.He frowned. Youre saying the auras mean nothing? That you arent taking away the effects of spirit?No. Thats happening too. Thats why this has all been so confusing. I thought there was just one thing going on, but thereve been deuce. I see the ghosts because of being shadow-kissed. Im getting upset and angry bad, even because Im taking away Lissas dark side. Thats why my auras darkening, why Im getting so enraged lately. Right now, it just sort of plays out as a really bad temp er. I frowned, thinking of the night Dimitri had stopped me from going after Jesse. But I dont know what itll turn into next.Adrian sighed. Why is everything so complicated with you?Will you help me? Please, Adrian? I ran my fingers along his hand. Please help me.Low, low. This was so low of me, but it didnt matter. Only Dimitri did.Finally, Adrian looked back at me. For the first time ever, he looked vulnerable. When you come back, will you give me a fair shot?I hid my surprise. What do you mean?Its like I said. Youve never wanted me, never even considered me. The flowers, the flirting it rolled right off you. You were so gone for him, and zippo noticed. If you go do your thing, will you take me seriously? Will you give me a chance when you return?I stared. I definitely hadnt expected this. My initial instinct was to say no, that I could never love anybody again, that my heart had been shattered along with that piece of my soul that Dimitri held. But Adrian was looking at me so e arnestly, and there was none of his joking nature. He meant what he said, and I realized all the affection for me hed always teased about hadnt been a jape either. Lissa had been right about his feelings.Will you? he repeated.God only knows what youll do now that hes gone.Of course. Not an honest answer, but a necessary one.Adrian looked away and drank more vodka. There wasnt much left. When are you leaving?Tomorrow.Setting the bottle down, he stood up and walked off into the bedroom. He returned with a large stack of cash. I wondered if he kept it under his bed or something. He handed it to me wordlessly and then picked up the phone and made some calls. The temperateness was up, and the human world, which handled most Moroi money, was also up and awake.I tried to watch TV while he talked, but I couldnt concentrate. I kept wanting to scratch the back of my neck. Because there was no way of knowing exactly how many Strigoi I and the others had killed, wed all been given a different kind of tattoo instead of the usual set of molnija marks. Id forget its name, but this tattoo looked like a little star. It meant that the bearer had been in a battle and killed many Strigoi.When he finally finished his calls, Adrian handed me a piece of paper. It had the name and address of a bank in Missoula.Go there, he said. Im guessing you have to go to Missoula first anyway if youre actually going on to anywhere civilized. Theres an account set up for you with a lot of money in it. Talk to them, and theyll finish the paperwork with you.I stood up and stuffed the bills in my jacket. convey you, I said.Without hesitating, I reached out and hugged him. The scent of vodka was overpowering, but I felt I owed him. I was taking advantage of his feelings for me in order to further my own devices. He put his arms around me and held me for several seconds before letting go. I brushed my lips against his cheek as we broke apart, and I thought he might stop breathing.I wont forget thi s, I murmured in his ear.I dont suppose youll tell me where youre going? he asked.No, I said. Im sorry.Just keep your yell and come back.I didnt actually use the word promise, I pointed out.He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead. Youre right. Im going to miss you, little dhampir. Be careful. If you ever need anything, let me know. Ill be waiting for you.I thanked him again and left, not bothering to tell him he might be waiting a long time. There was a very real possibility that I might not be coming back.The next day, I got up early, long before most of campus was awake. Id hardly slept. I slung a bag over my shoulder and walked over to the main office in the administrative building. The office wasnt open yet either, so I sat down on the floor in the hallway outside of it. Studying my hands as I waited, I noticed two tiny flecks of gold on my thumbnail. They were the only remnants of my manicure. About twenty minutes later, the secretary showed up with the keys and let me in. What can I do for you? she asked, once she was seated at her desk.I handed her a stack of papers Id been holding. Im withdrawing.Her eyes widened to impossible size. Butwhatyou cantI tapped the stack. I can. Its all filled out.Still gaping, she muttered something to me about waiting, and then scurried out of the room. A few minutes later, she returned with Headmistress Kirova. Kirova had apparently been briefed and was looking at me very disapprovingly down her beaklike nose.Miss Hathaway, whats the meaning of this?Im leaving, I said. Quitting. Dropping out. Whatever.You cant do that, she said.Well, obviously I can, since you guys keep withdrawal paperwork in the library. Its all filled out the way it needs to be.Her anger changed into something sadder and more anxious. I know a lot has gone on lately were all having trouble adjusting but thats no reason to make a hasty decision. If anything, we need you more than ever. She was almost pleading. Hard to believe shed wanted to expel me six months ago.This wasnt hasty, I said. I thought a lot about it.Let me at least get your mother so we can talk this out.She left for Europe three days ago. Not that it matters anyway. I pointed to the line on the top form that said date of birth. Im eighteen today. She cant do anything anymore. This is my choice. Now, will you stamp the form, or are you actually going to try to restrain me? Pretty certainly I could take you in a fight, Kirova.They stamped my packet, not happily. The secretary made a copy of the official paper that declared I was no long-acting a student at St. Vladimirs Academy. Id need it to get out the main gate.It was a long walk to the front of the school, and the western sky was red as the sun slipped over the horizon. The weather had spryed up, even at night. Spring had finally come. It made for good walking weather since I had a ways to go before I made it to the highway. From there, Id hitchhike to Missoula. Hitchhiking wasnt safe, but the silver st ake in my coat pocket made me feel pretty hold about anything Id face. No one had taken it away from me after the raid, and it would work just as well against creepy humans as it did with Strigoi.I could just make out the gates when I sensed her. Lissa. I stopped walking and turned toward a cluster of bud-covered trees. Shed been standing in them, perfectly still, and had managed to track her thoughts so well that I hadnt realized she was practically right next to me. Her hair and eyes glowed in the sunset, and she seemed too beautiful and too ethereal to be part of this dreary landscape.Hey, I said.Hey. She wrapped her arms around herself, cold even in her coat. Moroi didnt have the same resistance to temperature changes that dhampirs did. What I found warm and springlike was still chilly to her. I knew it, she said. Ever since that day they said his body was gone. Something told me youd do this. I was just waiting.Can you read my theme now? I asked ruefully.No, I can just read you. Finally. I cant believe how blind I was. I cant believe I never noticed. Victors comment he was right. She glanced off at the sunset, then turned her gaze back on me. A flash of anger, both in her feelings and her eyes, hit me. Why didnt you tell me? she cried. Why didnt you tell me you loved Dimitri?I stared. I couldnt remember the last time Lissa had yelled at anyone. Maybe last fall, when all the Victor insanity had gone down. Loud outbursts were my thing, not hers. Even when torturing Jesse, her voice had been deadly quiet.I couldnt tell anyone, I said.Im your best friend, Rose. Weve been through everything together. Do you really think I would have told? I would have kept it secret.I looked at the ground. I know you would have. I just I dont know. I couldnt talk about it. Not even to you. I cant explain it.How She groped for the question her mind had already formed. How serious was it? Was it just you or ?It was both of us, I told her. He felt the same. But we knew we cou ldnt be together, not with our ageand, well, not when we were supposed to be protecting you.Lissa frowned. What do you mean?Dimitri always said that if we were involved, wed worry more about protecting each other than you. We couldnt do that.Guilt coursed through her at the thought that shed been responsible for keeping us apart.Its not your fault, I said quickly.Surelythere must(prenominal) have been a way. It wouldnt have been a problem.I shrugged, unwilling to think about or mention our last kiss in the forest, back when Dimitri and I had thought wed figured out a solution to all of our problems.I dont know, I said. We just tried to stay apart. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didnt.Her mind was a tumble of emotions. She felt sorry for me, but at the same time, she was mad. You should have told me, she repeated. I feel like you dont impudence me.Of course I trust you.Is that why youre sneaking off?That has nothing to do with trust, I admitted. Its mewell, I didnt want to tell you. I couldnt bear to tell you I was leaving or explain why.I already know, she said. I figured it out.How? I asked. Lissa was full of surprises today.I was there. Last fall when we took that van into Missoula. The shopping trip? You and Dimitri were talking about Strigoi, about how becoming one makes you something twisted and evilhow it destroys the person you used to be and makes you do horrible things. And I heard She had trouble saying it. I had trouble hearing it, and my eyes grew wet. The memory was too harsh, thinking of sitting with him that day, back when we were first falling in love. Lissa swallowed and continued. I heard you both say youd rather die than become a monster like that.Silence fell between us. The wind picked up and blew our hair around, dark and light.I have to do this, Liss. I have to do it for him.No, she said firmly. You dont have to. You didnt promise him anything.Not in words, no. But you you dont understand.I understand that youre trying to distri bute and that this is as good a way as any. You need to find another way to let him go.I shook my head. I have to do this.Even if it means leaving me?The way she said it, the way she looked at me oh God. A flood of memories flitted through my mind. Wed been together since childhood. Inseparable. Bound. And yetDimitri and I had been connected too. Damn it. Id never wanted to have to choose between them.I have to do this, I said yet again. Im sorry.Youre supposed to be my guardian and go with me to college, she argued. Youre shadow-kissed. Were supposed to be together. If you leave me The ugly coil of darkness was starting to raise its head in my chest. My voice was tight when I spoke. If I leave you, theyll get you another guardian. Two of them. Youre the last Dragomir. Theyll keep you safe.But they wont be you, Rose, she said. Those luminous green eyes held mine, and the anger in me cooled. She was so beautiful, so mellisonant and she seemed so reasonable. She was right. I owed it to her. I needed to Stop it I yelled, turning away. Shed been using her magic. Do not use obsession on me. Youre my friend. Friends dont use their powers on each other.Friends dont abandon each other, she snapped back. If you were my friend, you wouldnt do it.I spun back toward her, careful not to look too closely into her eyes, in case she tried compulsion on me again. The rage in me exploded.Its not about you, okay? This time, its about me. Not you. All my life, Lissa all my life, its been the same. They come first. Ive lived my life for you. Ive trained to be your shadow, but you know what? I want to come first. I need to take care of myself for once. Im tired of looking out for everyone else and having to put aside what I want. Dimitri and I did that, and look what happened. Hes gone. I will never hold him again. Now I owe it to him to do this. Im sorry if it hurts you, but its my choiceId shouted the words, not even pausing for a breath, and I hoped my voice hadnt carried to the guardians on duty at the gate. Lissa was staring at me, shocked and hurt. Tears ran down her cheeks, and part of me shriveled up at hurting the person Id sworn to protect.You love him more than me, she said in a small voice, sounding very young.He needs me right now.I need you. Hes gone, Rose.No, I said. But he will be soon. I reached up my sleeve and took off the chotki shed given me for Christmas. I held it out to her. She hesitated and then took it.Whats this for? she asked.I cant wear it. Its for a Dragomir guardian. Ill take it again when I I had almost said if, not when. I think she knew that. When I get back.Her hands unopen around the beads. Please, Rose. Please dont leave me.Im sorry, I said. There were no other words to offer up. Im sorry.I left her there crying as I walked toward the gate. A piece of my soul had died when Dimitri had fallen. Turning my back on her now, I felt another piece die as well. Soon there wouldnt be anything left inside of me.The guardians at the gate were as shocked as the secretary and Kirova had been, but there was nothing they could do. Happy birthday to me, I thought bitterly. Eighteen at last. It was nothing like I had expected.They opened the gates and I stepped through, outside of the schools grounds and over the wards. The lines were invisible, but I felt curiously vulnerable and exposed, as if Id leapt a great chasm. And yet, at the same time, I felt free and in control. I started walking down the narrow road. The sun was nearly gone Id have to rely on moonlight soon.When I was out of earshot of the guardians, I stopped and spoke. stonemason.I had to wait a long time. When he appeared, I could barely see him at all. He was almost completely transparent.Its time, isnt it? Youre goingyoure finally moving on toWell, I had no pool cue where he was moving on to. I didnt know anymore what lay beyond, whether it was the realms Father Andrew believed in or some entirely different world that Id visited. Nonetheless , Mason understood and nodded.Its been more than forty days, I mused. So I guess youre overdue. Im glad I mean, I hope you find peace. Although I kind of hoped youd be able to lead me to him.Mason shook his head, and he didnt need to say a word for me to understand what he wanted to tell me. Youre on your own now, Rose.Its okay. You deserve your rest. Besides, I think I know where to start looking. Id thought about this constantly over the last week. If Dimitri was where I believed he was, I had a lot of work forward of me. Masons help would have been nice, but I didnt want to keep bothering him. It seemed like he had enough to deal with.Goodbye, I told him. convey for your help I Ill miss you.His form grew fainter and fainter, and just before it went altogether, I saw the hint of a smile, that laughing and mischievous smile Id loved so much. For the first time since his death, thinking about Mason no longer devastated me. I was sad and I really would miss him, but I knew hed mo ved on to something good something really good. I no longer felt guilty.Turning away, I stared at the long road winding off ahead of me. I sighed. This trip might take awhile.Then start walking, Rose, I muttered to myself.I set off, off to kill the man I loved.As always, I can never express enough gratitude to the friends and family who hang with me through the ups and downs that go along with writing a book let alone one as powerful as this. Many thanks to David and Christina for their speedy beta reading to LA. Gordon and Sherry Kirk for their help with Russian to Synde Korman for her help with Romanian to my agent Jim McCarthy who is wise and does all the hard stuff for me to editors Jessica Rothenberg and Ben Schrank for all of their guidance to the Team Seattle authors for their distraction and good cheer and to Jay for being infinitely patientand even making a good joke once in a while.